The Details

Thanks for all the kind words!  We are very excited for the new addition to our family!

Baby #2 is due on 3/13/13.  I am just at 14 weeks now and feeling pretty good. Although I already have a big bump despite not having gained any weight yet!

So far everything is running smoothly and as expected.  Of course I am on blood thinner shots twice a day, but really that is a small price to pay.

So far we have already had 5 ultrasounds so yes, we are sure there is just one baby! LOL But that one baby is very active and moving around a lot which is great!  I will post some pictures soon.

As you probably saw, Anna is also very excited.  She calls the baby 'Baby Brother' but she will also refer to it as 'she' or 'her' so I'm not sure she really gets it yet :)

A message from Anna

Just click play....

More details soon!

Checking In

Just a quick post since it has been awhile, we are still waiting and don't have any definite news.  So far I have had 2 blood tests that the doctor was happy about the outcomes of, so at least we have made it further than last time if nothing else.



Something we found pretty interesting and dramatic.  Here is a picture of the embryos that were implanted this time:

The picture sits on our dresser now as a little inspiration for every morning when I need to get a needle jammed into my behind.  That is really getting old....anyway, on a whim I thought I would take a look at our picture from last time and see how they compared.  Here is what the embryos they implanted last time looked like:

Quite a difference! We were pretty amazed to see that and it helped give us a little more hope that things are just working out better this time around. 

Finally, here is a quote that I think I found on pinterest that has been helpful lately.  Waiting is the hardest part for sure....

We will be getting the news this week, so hopefully no news is good news as far as this blog is concerned.  I still would like to wait to make the big announcement (if indeed there is one to make) and I will hold out as long as I can or to 12 weeks, whatever comes first :) I have some other things to post about anyway so I will work on that and just have faith that it will all work out. 

Thanks again for all the supportive emails and FB messages - they mean a lot to me!!

The Transfer

I can't believe it has only been a week since our embryo transfer! It turned out to be quite a strange experience and I'm not even going to get into everything but our appointment was for 8:15 and before the transfer you have to drink 32 oz of water so that your full bladder will push your uterus to the best place for the doctor to see it.

When we got there we could hear one other couple in the room next to us in for their transfer and it sounded like another couple in for their retrieval.  After waiting 15 minutes the nurse told us that the embryologist was last and they were waiting for him to arrive.  We heard several different excuses as to why he was late, from car trouble to alarm trouble.  Either way, he finally got there probably around 8:30 and they took the couple next to us in.  Then we heard the doctor saying something about doing the schedule out of order and then he took the other girl next instead of us.

Finally around 9:15 (with a very full bladder) he came in to talk to us and showed us the picture of 2 embryos that were recommended to be implanted.  They really looked great, especially compared to the last time. 

And there is more to the story after that, but basically he did the implantation and after resting for 30 minutes we headed home and I was on bed rest for 2 days.  We already had one blood test and the numbers looked good, we have another on Monday.  Honestly, I don't have a good feeling about it right now but we will see!

Now we are at the lovely time where Jeremy has to give me a very painful shot in the bum every morning and then I get to give myself a blood thinner shot after that, just hoping it is all worth it.

Thanks again for all the support!!

Saturday!

So we found out on Tuesday that 16 of the 32 eggs were mature and 10 of those successfully fertilized.  I am sure by now that number has decreased, maybe not.  Either way the doctor is confident that we will make it to the 5 day transfer and our appointment is 8:15 am on Saturday morning!  So keep us in your thoughts then (if you're up LOL)

Of course this is a busy Saturday and now we have to miss graduation parties and another friends get together we were looking forward too but there never is a good time and obviously this is much more important.Being on bedrest for 2 days is going to be tough but luckily it is on the weekend so Jeremy can take care of Anna and I'm sure my mom will be by to help as well. 

I was feeling great and yesterday was Jeremy's birthday and we took Anna to swim class and then hung out in the pool for awhile before going out to dinner.  Today has been much different, I have been extraordinarily tired and Jeremy is not home today at all to help.  I have taken 3 naps (before Anna got up, while she was taking a nap and while she was watching Bubble Guppies - don't judge).  I also have a new pain and have been very uncomfortable  I looked through the materials and it turns out I should not have gone in the hot tub, in fact I probably shouldn't even have gone in the pool because I'm still recovering from surgery but it didn't even cross my mind.

I called the nurse and she said it really isn't that big of a deal, just to watch for signs of infection (fever and extreme pain) so I am all freaked out about that.  Always something! So far no fever and I have been on antibiotics since the retrieval so hopefully things will be fine. The other change is that my abdomen has actually swelled even more. I haven't gained weight so I am not worried about OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome) but I look about 6 months pregnant at this point and I just don't feel comfortable.  I will be glad when this is over because I am still confident we will get the outcome we want so much.  

32!

Well the retrieval was this morning and I did end up getting really nervous and anxious on the way to the surgery center.

The nurses were really great and before I knew it I was waking up in recovery!

Here is a really unflattering picture Jer took of me after it was over :) All bloated and pumped full of fluids, lovely.

It took me a little while to wake up then I had juice and crackers.  A little while later the nurse came in and said they got 32 eggs!! That is a huge number!  We got 14 last time!

So they said because they had gotten so many, there was still a good chance that my ovaries would be hyper(over)stimulated.  I had hyper-stimulation last time but it affected me before the procedure and this time I had mostly been feeling fine, just a little bit full.

I felt really great leaving the surgery center.  Jeremy and I were both in a great mood and very relieved that this part was over.  We went to get breakfast and headed back home.  Then the 6 am wake up hit me combined with having been under anesthesia (and stress) and I fell asleep for a few hours.

Since then I have really been feeling the ovaries continue to swell.  I have quite a bit of pain and a lot of fullness.  Hopefully it will start turning around tomorrow and we won't have an unexpected crisis to deal with which could put the embryo transfer in jeopardy.  Also my abdomen is so swollen right now, I am just waiting for someone to ask me when I am due, ugh.  That should go back down shortly as well.

Anyway, overall great news today!  Now we wait to hear tomorrow how many of the eggs were mature and how many of those fertilized.  We will hope there are enough that we will be able to wait out the 5-days and do the transfer on Saturday.  I think the odds are finally in our favor!

Thanks to everyone for all the care, concern, thoughts & prayers - it means a lot!!

Pulling the trigger

Well I had a good ultrasound on Saturday and the doctor said it is time! I took my trigger shot last night. That tells my body to start producing eggs in all the follicles I have been developing over the last week and a half. Bright and early tomorrow morning we will head to the surgery center for the egg retrieval and they will proceed to manually fertilize the strongest eggs with the strongest sperm and we will see what develops. The process is called ICSI and since we ended up having to try that last minute last time around we will just start with that from the get go this time. The odds are much better when it is done right away. Or so they say anyway. I am not too anxious about this procedure. I am sure that we will be able get some Good eggs. I am a little distressed just about going under anesthesia in general but it is a quick procedure and then we will just relax at home for the rest of the day and wait for the call on Tuesday with the results of how many eggs fertilized successfully! So keep us in your prayers tomorrow and I'll try to update. Ideally after fertilization we would let the embryos develop for 5 days and they would be put back inside of me on Saturday. Big week!

Wheels in motion

Sorry for the big lag between posts!  I find myself doing everything on my phone these days and typing up a lengthy post is not the easiest on the touch screen! I guess I need to do more short posts.

Anyway, we are right back in the middle of things again!  I have been taking a shot every morning (Follistim) and one every evening (Menopur) for the past week.  I had my second ultrasound this morning and the doctor was very happy with the progress of my follicles.  I continue with these two shots and go in for a third ultrasound on Saturday and the doctor is expecting the egg retrieval to take place on Monday or Tuesday!

The only issue I have been having is with my mind! Specifically, my memory.  With these shots, it is very important that they are done at the same time everyday and the Follistim is stored in the refrigerator and the Menopur I keep in our bedroom.  The very first day I totally forgot to even start the shots until around noon, then 2 days later I totally forgot completely to take my evening shot. And then last night it happened again!  I had set an alarm to go off on my phone for both shots and it went off last night, a few minutes later I went into the bedroom and next thing I knew I was panicking because Anna had woken me up at 5 am and I realized I had never taken my shot!  It made me so anxious all morning because I was worried it would throw everything off by missing it and then I went to take the morning shot and realized I had never put it back in the fridge!  So I had to dump what was left out.  I have no idea what is going on!!

Plus there is a TON of stuff going on in our lives right now....Anniversary, Father's Day, Brother-In-Law, Mother-in-Law, and Jeremy's birthdays oh yeah and Anna's 3rd birthday and birthday party!  As much as I have tried to minimize everything and not stress, it is pretty impossible and I still have quite a to-do list. 

So this morning I guess it was pretty obvious that I was not in a great place, the doctor was worried that I had so much anxiety and the nurse told me that I looked nervous! LOL well I copped to it and the doctor actually prescribed me Xanax! Now I really am a "Real Housewife" haha It is just a few pills for the next week or so because I really want to be able to be relaxed during the procedure.  We will see.....right now, I'm off to take my shot!

Hope Floats

After several people have recently asked me about my blog, I realized I really need to get back into it!  Turns out it is just not as fun to write about things that aren't going as expected :) However, I started this for a reason and I will keep it up until I don't have a reason to discuss it anymore.  Especially because I heard through the grapevine someone who also has been going through IVF was not sure if they could bring it up to me or if I would want to talk about it!!  That is the WHOLE POINT of this blog!  Yes, discuss, don't feel bad!  I didn't do anything wrong to be put in this position!  Fertility issues NEED to be more accepted and no one should feel ashamed.  In case you missed it, here is how we got here.

So, back to present time - or recent anyway. Now I am sure unless you are a member of my immediate family you probably didn't notice that the time for us to be able to start trying again has come and gone.  Well there is a reason for that, after having a normal period after the failed IVF cycle and again at the beginning of February we met with the doctor and were going to go ahead and get started after my next period...but it never came.

Then the doctor office had to cover their bases so they ordered me to go get my blood drawn for a pregnancy test.  Well I kind of laughed it off because obviously I can't get pregnant on my own, the nurse said "you would be surprised" and haven't we all heard those stories of the woman who gets pregnant after going through IVF once or the woman who finds out she is pregnant right before she is scheduled to meet with a infertility specialist....it does happen.  I even know a few people in real life that it has happened to.  But I have slightly different issues than most infertile women - there is literally a road block that makes it physically impossible for me to get pregnant.....then again, that block is scar tissue, scar tissue does have the ability to change and even dissipate....there is a very tiny remote chance that it could be....

And there it was - HOPE.  As much as I tried to tell myself it was stupid to even entertain the idea that I could be pregnant, I couldn't help but think about it.  I mean it could be....but no, that is stupid....but, you never know...yes, I do know, it can't be...and on and on.  I even took a pee test that was negative and I still could not stop myself from having thoughts of a potential positive blood test result.  As much as I tried to suppress it, that hope kept creeping back in.

It wasn't only me either.  When talking to my mom one day a few weeks ago she asked "did you hear back about your test" I only said "yes" and was a little distracted.  When I finally turned to look at her she said "Well??" and I could see it there glistening in her eyes - hope.

Unfortunately and as expected the test was indeed negative. So the doctor said to wait another month to see if I get my period.  I didn't. I finally went in for an ultrasound and the doctor said it is just related to PCOS but everything looks fine and we can get started again as soon as I wanted.  I had my first Lupron shot in mid-April and I will have another on May 16 and then the daily injections begin again.

I think what I realized is that it is not only OK to have hope but I think I really need it.  I went through the last round of IVF knowing in the back of my mind that it would work, but never letting myself feel fully committed to the idea so I wouldn't be as disappointed if it didn't.  That is something that I am really having a hard time with, I have to keep telling myself to think and act like I am going to get pregnant, there is a lot to be said for a positive outlook as it relates to your health.  I am going to let the hope float on up this time :) I saw this on my cousins FB and it reminded me how much I love that movie.  I think it is time to break out the DVD (of course it doesn't hurt to watch Harry for a few hours either now does it?!)

Starting Over

It is a new year and a new start for our efforts to expand our family.  Jeremy and I decided relatively quickly after the first failure that it was worth it to try the IVF process again. We really didn't dwell on the negative for very long, that is just how we are I guess.

We decided to wait until after Anna and my little Florida vacation to get back to the doctor office so just over a month after finding out the results from our first round we were back with the doctor to reevaluate the situation.

The doctor was very straightforward and matter of fact about the situation, which I guess you want from a medical professional.  He also was very compassionate and I felt he was truly disappointed and almost apologetic that the procedure did not work.

He went through my chart and reviewed every step of the procedure with us.  Basically it came down to fate...or bad luck....or God's will (more on that in a future post) because everything had gone according to plan and looked great up until the fertilization.

He again said that the sperm quality was great, my egg retrieval went well and my 13 mature eggs were all very strong. There just is no reason it didn't work.  There is no good reason we didn't achieve fertilization on our own.  I think that is a little bit worse than actually having an explanation.  Not knowing why is hard.  The doctor did say that several of my eggs, not all, but several had thickened walls.  This is something that is common with women who have PCOS and for this reason women with PCOS are almost always set to do ICSI right away (where they literally inject the sperm into the egg).  Of course I was one of the exceptions seeing as how I had gotten pregnant on my first try three different times already, obviously we did not have an issue with the sperm not penetrating the wall of the egg.  And really, that wasn't the issue here either because this time the sperm did not even try to get through the wall no matter what the thickness.

However, knowing that now we will go ahead an plan to do ICSI right from the start with our next cycle.  Doing the ICSI process right away yields much better results than waiting a day to see what happens naturally and then doing it on rapidly deteriorating eggs.

Our doctor said the odds of success are the same with the second round of IVF as they are with the first, it is starting with the third that they progressively get worse. He said there is no reason not to think we still have a great chance of the process working for us if we try again.  There are no indications that it shouldn't have worked before or that it won't work in the future.

So we have to wait at least 8 weeks for my body to recover (it has been about 7 already) and the Doctor wants me to do 2 rounds of the Depot Lupron shots which will take at least 2 months and then we can start the process again, probably around May.

I just wanted to take the chance to update everyone who has been following.  Again we are so thankful and grateful for your thoughts and prayers and thank you to everyone who checks in with me to see how it is going and how we are doing, we really appreciate it.  Today marks 1 year since the day I woke up with the excruciating pain that eventually lead to surgery, scar tissue and IVF becoming part of our story.  It has been quite a year for sure with a lot of ups and downs, but I am thankful for what I have and trusting that everything will work out as it is meant to be.  That reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

"Everything will be OK in the end, if it isn't OK, it isn't the end"

Closing out 2011...

...and closing out this chapter of our journey.  Unfortunately we found out last week that I am not pregnant. 

Luckily I was pretty distracted by Christmas and all the activity so I didn't give it much thought, but Monday afternoon I realized it had probably been long enough to where I could pee on a stick and get an accurate result, so I did that night and it was negative.  I guess I kind of expected it, I never really felt pregnant like I had the last 2 times.  Still, they say you get the more accurate results when you take the test first thing in the morning, so I did it again the next day and it was negative again.  I figured that sealed it and I immediately stopped all the shots and hormones I was taking.  That afternoon I was scheduled for the 2 week blood test anyway so I took that.

Wednesday morning the doctor called and it was settled.  Of course I was/am very disappointed.  Just thinking about everything we had gone through....the huge expense, the painful shots and medications, the effects it had taken on me physically and mentally, the increased risk of cancer I now allegedly have from the hormones....all of that for nothing.  That is really hard to take.  All of that is more than worth it when a baby is the end result, but for nothing?

And then of course I have the whole feeling that we were never even supposed to be in this situation, and when we were, we were never supposed to have any problems.  Well, we had problems and I suppose we are exactly where we are meant to be right now.  Our family will expand in due time, this just isn't it. 

I am so grateful to have such a wonderful husband to go through this with, he has always been extremely positive and supportive.  I am also very thankful for the support of our family and friends.  I feel a little guilty for not posting this before I saw a bunch of family members who I know have been following our story, but I guess I am just not the "talk about it" type.  I don't think that really helps me.  Most of all I am so very blessed to have the most beautiful, funny and smartest little girl I have ever met in my life.  It really is hard to dwell on the negative when Anna is around to cheer you up. 

And then something unimaginable happened this week to a close friend of mine and it really put things in perspective.  Yes what we just went through was terrible, but it could be so much worse. And I hate that my friend is having to do something I wouldn't wish on anyone - but if she can get through this, surely I will be just fine.

And actually the more that we talked about it and thought about it, almost everyone we know who has gone through IVF did not have success on their first try.  Strange, and I have no idea why that is, but it is true.  The vast majority (not that we even know a "vast" number of people who have done IVF lol, but all except 1 couple that I can think of) were successful on their second try.

We have to make an appointment with the Doctor now to talk about what happened, even though I am sure they will not have any concrete answers, and to talk about next steps.  I have a feeling we will be back in the IVF train in the not too distant future, but we are taking a little break now.  Anna and I are going to have some relaxation in Florida, and having the house to himself is enough of a break for Jer :)

I'll keep updating this blog as anything comes up and let you know what the doctor does have to say about what went wrong.  Thank you again for all of the interest, support, thoughts and prayers.  After 2 lost pregnancies in 2011 we are looking forward to changing that in the new year!