Sunday, January 1, 2012

Closing out 2011...

...and closing out this chapter of our journey.  Unfortunately we found out last week that I am not pregnant. 

Luckily I was pretty distracted by Christmas and all the activity so I didn't give it much thought, but Monday afternoon I realized it had probably been long enough to where I could pee on a stick and get an accurate result, so I did that night and it was negative.  I guess I kind of expected it, I never really felt pregnant like I had the last 2 times.  Still, they say you get the more accurate results when you take the test first thing in the morning, so I did it again the next day and it was negative again.  I figured that sealed it and I immediately stopped all the shots and hormones I was taking.  That afternoon I was scheduled for the 2 week blood test anyway so I took that.

Wednesday morning the doctor called and it was settled.  Of course I was/am very disappointed.  Just thinking about everything we had gone through....the huge expense, the painful shots and medications, the effects it had taken on me physically and mentally, the increased risk of cancer I now allegedly have from the hormones....all of that for nothing.  That is really hard to take.  All of that is more than worth it when a baby is the end result, but for nothing?

And then of course I have the whole feeling that we were never even supposed to be in this situation, and when we were, we were never supposed to have any problems.  Well, we had problems and I suppose we are exactly where we are meant to be right now.  Our family will expand in due time, this just isn't it. 

I am so grateful to have such a wonderful husband to go through this with, he has always been extremely positive and supportive.  I am also very thankful for the support of our family and friends.  I feel a little guilty for not posting this before I saw a bunch of family members who I know have been following our story, but I guess I am just not the "talk about it" type.  I don't think that really helps me.  Most of all I am so very blessed to have the most beautiful, funny and smartest little girl I have ever met in my life.  It really is hard to dwell on the negative when Anna is around to cheer you up. 

And then something unimaginable happened this week to a close friend of mine and it really put things in perspective.  Yes what we just went through was terrible, but it could be so much worse. And I hate that my friend is having to do something I wouldn't wish on anyone - but if she can get through this, surely I will be just fine.

And actually the more that we talked about it and thought about it, almost everyone we know who has gone through IVF did not have success on their first try.  Strange, and I have no idea why that is, but it is true.  The vast majority (not that we even know a "vast" number of people who have done IVF lol, but all except 1 couple that I can think of) were successful on their second try.

We have to make an appointment with the Doctor now to talk about what happened, even though I am sure they will not have any concrete answers, and to talk about next steps.  I have a feeling we will be back in the IVF train in the not too distant future, but we are taking a little break now.  Anna and I are going to have some relaxation in Florida, and having the house to himself is enough of a break for Jer :)

I'll keep updating this blog as anything comes up and let you know what the doctor does have to say about what went wrong.  Thank you again for all of the interest, support, thoughts and prayers.  After 2 lost pregnancies in 2011 we are looking forward to changing that in the new year!

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