Friday, May 11, 2012

Hope Floats

After several people have recently asked me about my blog, I realized I really need to get back into it!  Turns out it is just not as fun to write about things that aren't going as expected :) However, I started this for a reason and I will keep it up until I don't have a reason to discuss it anymore.  Especially because I heard through the grapevine someone who also has been going through IVF was not sure if they could bring it up to me or if I would want to talk about it!!  That is the WHOLE POINT of this blog!  Yes, discuss, don't feel bad!  I didn't do anything wrong to be put in this position!  Fertility issues NEED to be more accepted and no one should feel ashamed.  In case you missed it, here is how we got here.

So, back to present time - or recent anyway. Now I am sure unless you are a member of my immediate family you probably didn't notice that the time for us to be able to start trying again has come and gone.  Well there is a reason for that, after having a normal period after the failed IVF cycle and again at the beginning of February we met with the doctor and were going to go ahead and get started after my next period...but it never came.

Then the doctor office had to cover their bases so they ordered me to go get my blood drawn for a pregnancy test.  Well I kind of laughed it off because obviously I can't get pregnant on my own, the nurse said "you would be surprised" and haven't we all heard those stories of the woman who gets pregnant after going through IVF once or the woman who finds out she is pregnant right before she is scheduled to meet with a infertility does happen.  I even know a few people in real life that it has happened to.  But I have slightly different issues than most infertile women - there is literally a road block that makes it physically impossible for me to get pregnant.....then again, that block is scar tissue, scar tissue does have the ability to change and even dissipate....there is a very tiny remote chance that it could be....

And there it was - HOPE.  As much as I tried to tell myself it was stupid to even entertain the idea that I could be pregnant, I couldn't help but think about it.  I mean it could be....but no, that is stupid....but, you never know...yes, I do know, it can't be...and on and on.  I even took a pee test that was negative and I still could not stop myself from having thoughts of a potential positive blood test result.  As much as I tried to suppress it, that hope kept creeping back in.

It wasn't only me either.  When talking to my mom one day a few weeks ago she asked "did you hear back about your test" I only said "yes" and was a little distracted.  When I finally turned to look at her she said "Well??" and I could see it there glistening in her eyes - hope.

Unfortunately and as expected the test was indeed negative. So the doctor said to wait another month to see if I get my period.  I didn't. I finally went in for an ultrasound and the doctor said it is just related to PCOS but everything looks fine and we can get started again as soon as I wanted.  I had my first Lupron shot in mid-April and I will have another on May 16 and then the daily injections begin again.

I think what I realized is that it is not only OK to have hope but I think I really need it.  I went through the last round of IVF knowing in the back of my mind that it would work, but never letting myself feel fully committed to the idea so I wouldn't be as disappointed if it didn't.  That is something that I am really having a hard time with, I have to keep telling myself to think and act like I am going to get pregnant, there is a lot to be said for a positive outlook as it relates to your health.  I am going to let the hope float on up this time :) I saw this on my cousins FB and it reminded me how much I love that movie.  I think it is time to break out the DVD (of course it doesn't hurt to watch Harry for a few hours either now does it?!)

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