It is a new year and a new start for our efforts to expand our family. Jeremy and I decided relatively quickly after the first failure that it was worth it to try the IVF process again. We really didn't dwell on the negative for very long, that is just how we are I guess.
We decided to wait until after Anna and my little Florida vacation to get back to the doctor office so just over a month after finding out the results from our first round we were back with the doctor to reevaluate the situation.
The doctor was very straightforward and matter of fact about the situation, which I guess you want from a medical professional. He also was very compassionate and I felt he was truly disappointed and almost apologetic that the procedure did not work.
He went through my chart and reviewed every step of the procedure with us. Basically it came down to fate...or bad luck....or God's will (more on that in a future post) because everything had gone according to plan and looked great up until the fertilization.
He again said that the sperm quality was great, my egg retrieval went well and my 13 mature eggs were all very strong. There just is no reason it didn't work. There is no good reason we didn't achieve fertilization on our own. I think that is a little bit worse than actually having an explanation. Not knowing why is hard. The doctor did say that several of my eggs, not all, but several had thickened walls. This is something that is common with women who have PCOS and for this reason women with PCOS are almost always set to do ICSI right away (where they literally inject the sperm into the egg). Of course I was one of the exceptions seeing as how I had gotten pregnant on my first try three different times already, obviously we did not have an issue with the sperm not penetrating the wall of the egg. And really, that wasn't the issue here either because this time the sperm did not even try to get through the wall no matter what the thickness.
However, knowing that now we will go ahead an plan to do ICSI right from the start with our next cycle. Doing the ICSI process right away yields much better results than waiting a day to see what happens naturally and then doing it on rapidly deteriorating eggs.
Our doctor said the odds of success are the same with the second round of IVF as they are with the first, it is starting with the third that they progressively get worse. He said there is no reason not to think we still have a great chance of the process working for us if we try again. There are no indications that it shouldn't have worked before or that it won't work in the future.
So we have to wait at least 8 weeks for my body to recover (it has been about 7 already) and the Doctor wants me to do 2 rounds of the Depot Lupron shots which will take at least 2 months and then we can start the process again, probably around May.
I just wanted to take the chance to update everyone who has been following. Again we are so thankful and grateful for your thoughts and prayers and thank you to everyone who checks in with me to see how it is going and how we are doing, we really appreciate it. Today marks 1 year since the day I woke up with the excruciating pain that eventually lead to surgery, scar tissue and IVF becoming part of our story. It has been quite a year for sure with a lot of ups and downs, but I am thankful for what I have and trusting that everything will work out as it is meant to be. That reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:
"Everything will be OK in the end, if it isn't OK, it isn't the end"
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Closing out 2011...
...and closing out this chapter of our journey. Unfortunately we found out last week that I am not pregnant.
Luckily I was pretty distracted by Christmas and all the activity so I didn't give it much thought, but Monday afternoon I realized it had probably been long enough to where I could pee on a stick and get an accurate result, so I did that night and it was negative. I guess I kind of expected it, I never really felt pregnant like I had the last 2 times. Still, they say you get the more accurate results when you take the test first thing in the morning, so I did it again the next day and it was negative again. I figured that sealed it and I immediately stopped all the shots and hormones I was taking. That afternoon I was scheduled for the 2 week blood test anyway so I took that.
Wednesday morning the doctor called and it was settled. Of course I was/am very disappointed. Just thinking about everything we had gone through....the huge expense, the painful shots and medications, the effects it had taken on me physically and mentally, the increased risk of cancer I now allegedly have from the hormones....all of that for nothing. That is really hard to take. All of that is more than worth it when a baby is the end result, but for nothing?
And then of course I have the whole feeling that we were never even supposed to be in this situation, and when we were, we were never supposed to have any problems. Well, we had problems and I suppose we are exactly where we are meant to be right now. Our family will expand in due time, this just isn't it.
I am so grateful to have such a wonderful husband to go through this with, he has always been extremely positive and supportive. I am also very thankful for the support of our family and friends. I feel a little guilty for not posting this before I saw a bunch of family members who I know have been following our story, but I guess I am just not the "talk about it" type. I don't think that really helps me. Most of all I am so very blessed to have the most beautiful, funny and smartest little girl I have ever met in my life. It really is hard to dwell on the negative when Anna is around to cheer you up.
And then something unimaginable happened this week to a close friend of mine and it really put things in perspective. Yes what we just went through was terrible, but it could be so much worse. And I hate that my friend is having to do something I wouldn't wish on anyone - but if she can get through this, surely I will be just fine.
And actually the more that we talked about it and thought about it, almost everyone we know who has gone through IVF did not have success on their first try. Strange, and I have no idea why that is, but it is true. The vast majority (not that we even know a "vast" number of people who have done IVF lol, but all except 1 couple that I can think of) were successful on their second try.
We have to make an appointment with the Doctor now to talk about what happened, even though I am sure they will not have any concrete answers, and to talk about next steps. I have a feeling we will be back in the IVF train in the not too distant future, but we are taking a little break now. Anna and I are going to have some relaxation in Florida, and having the house to himself is enough of a break for Jer :)
I'll keep updating this blog as anything comes up and let you know what the doctor does have to say about what went wrong. Thank you again for all of the interest, support, thoughts and prayers. After 2 lost pregnancies in 2011 we are looking forward to changing that in the new year!
Luckily I was pretty distracted by Christmas and all the activity so I didn't give it much thought, but Monday afternoon I realized it had probably been long enough to where I could pee on a stick and get an accurate result, so I did that night and it was negative. I guess I kind of expected it, I never really felt pregnant like I had the last 2 times. Still, they say you get the more accurate results when you take the test first thing in the morning, so I did it again the next day and it was negative again. I figured that sealed it and I immediately stopped all the shots and hormones I was taking. That afternoon I was scheduled for the 2 week blood test anyway so I took that.
Wednesday morning the doctor called and it was settled. Of course I was/am very disappointed. Just thinking about everything we had gone through....the huge expense, the painful shots and medications, the effects it had taken on me physically and mentally, the increased risk of cancer I now allegedly have from the hormones....all of that for nothing. That is really hard to take. All of that is more than worth it when a baby is the end result, but for nothing?
And then of course I have the whole feeling that we were never even supposed to be in this situation, and when we were, we were never supposed to have any problems. Well, we had problems and I suppose we are exactly where we are meant to be right now. Our family will expand in due time, this just isn't it.
I am so grateful to have such a wonderful husband to go through this with, he has always been extremely positive and supportive. I am also very thankful for the support of our family and friends. I feel a little guilty for not posting this before I saw a bunch of family members who I know have been following our story, but I guess I am just not the "talk about it" type. I don't think that really helps me. Most of all I am so very blessed to have the most beautiful, funny and smartest little girl I have ever met in my life. It really is hard to dwell on the negative when Anna is around to cheer you up.
And then something unimaginable happened this week to a close friend of mine and it really put things in perspective. Yes what we just went through was terrible, but it could be so much worse. And I hate that my friend is having to do something I wouldn't wish on anyone - but if she can get through this, surely I will be just fine.
And actually the more that we talked about it and thought about it, almost everyone we know who has gone through IVF did not have success on their first try. Strange, and I have no idea why that is, but it is true. The vast majority (not that we even know a "vast" number of people who have done IVF lol, but all except 1 couple that I can think of) were successful on their second try.
We have to make an appointment with the Doctor now to talk about what happened, even though I am sure they will not have any concrete answers, and to talk about next steps. I have a feeling we will be back in the IVF train in the not too distant future, but we are taking a little break now. Anna and I are going to have some relaxation in Florida, and having the house to himself is enough of a break for Jer :)
I'll keep updating this blog as anything comes up and let you know what the doctor does have to say about what went wrong. Thank you again for all of the interest, support, thoughts and prayers. After 2 lost pregnancies in 2011 we are looking forward to changing that in the new year!
Monday, December 19, 2011
Now I know why no one talks about it
Well, the past week has been a big rollercoaster, I see now why people just don't talk about all of this infertility stuff. I mean I really wanted to be open and honest, but when you are on the low end of emotions you really don't want to talk to anyone, at least I didn't...much less have to broadcast bad news, but here it goes.
So on Tuesday they were able to retrieve 14 eggs and they set them overnight to fertilize, we found out later that they actually put 50,000 sperm with each egg when in the human body the ratio is more like 1,000:1! But despite those more than "ideal" conditions we found out Wednesday morning that none of our eggs had fertilized...NONE! I never ever expected to hear that, we are not going through this process because we have any actual issue with fertility, just the physical act of the egg getting where it needs to be. As I've said many times, all three times I was pregnant it was on the first try - we shouldn't have an issue here and I never thought we would in a million years. But, we did. In fact they discarded 1 egg that was immature and the doctor later told us that when they went in to look Wednesday morning not a single sperm had attached to any of the 13 eggs. Not one! He said usually there are hundreds all over all of the eggs and we had zero.
The Doctor said the sperm looked great, were fantastic quality and the eggs were all really strong too. He had no idea why this happened and said it is very rare even for people with fertility problems that none attach at all.
Well that was pretty devastating, I had always been extremely positive and never had worries everything would go well on our first try. I was more worried about it going TOO well and ending up octomom or something (OK, maybe not that worried).
The nurse told us they were going to go ahead with a procedure called "Second Day ICSI" where they will pick out the best looking sperm and actually inject them right into the eggs to kind of 'force' fertilization. Usually when ICSI is done, the couple is expecting to have an issue and it is done right away, waiting until the second day to do it seems pretty rare from what I've seen online and unfortunately pretty unsuccessful as well. Of course the doctor says that it doesn't decrease the odds at all, but I have a hard time believing him.
So I just had a day of feeling sorry for myself and Jer did his best to put a positive spin on it, but I also was feeling increasingly bad from the Ovarian Hyperstimulation and I kind of just gave up. I was honestly expecting them to call the next day and say that it didn't work.
Well they did call the next day, but they had better news. Of the 10 eggs they did the procedure on, 3 of them had developed into embryos. Because there were only 3 they wanted to implant them right away instead of waiting to see how many make it to the blastocyst (5-day) stage. They set our implant up for the next morning.
As I'm sure you have noticed, the numbers were not on our side, we went from 14 eggs, to 13, to 10, to 3 and by the time we got to the surgical center Friday morning there were 2 good embryos left to put in. So we put them both in! I had to drink 32 oz of water on the way over, which was hard even for me (I love water) so they let me pee and then I had to lay on the hospital bed for 30 minutes before we could leave.
After we got home I was on bed rest for 2 days so my Mother-in-law was there for Friday to watch Anna and Jer was Mr. Mom all weekend while I rested and hopefully created a good environment for the little babies to snuggle in and start growing.
We are now playing the waiting game once again, we won't know anything for 4 weeks. I have a blood test in 2 weeks that should be a good indication of if things are still developing or not and then at 4 weeks they will know with more certainty if the pregnancy is successful.
I have to say that I am not getting my hopes up. I mean I am still treating myself as if I am pregnant right now, but I am preparing myself for bad news. Everything I have seen online does not look great when they have to do second day or "rescue" ICSI, so good news will be really good, and hopefully bad news won't be quite so devastating.
I am still doing 2 shots a day, one that Jer has to administer right into my butt that hurts so bad every time. That is the Progesterone in Oil and that will last for at least a few weeks. The other is Lovenox, which stings, but I do it in my stomach, and I took it twice a day everyday when I was pregnant with Anna so I am used to it.
I will probably check back in with news at the 2 week blood draw, but if we happen to get good news at the 4 week mark I will probably procrastinate a bit on posting ;) Sorry but I am just very superstitious. So no news is good news and keep those prayers coming.
So on Tuesday they were able to retrieve 14 eggs and they set them overnight to fertilize, we found out later that they actually put 50,000 sperm with each egg when in the human body the ratio is more like 1,000:1! But despite those more than "ideal" conditions we found out Wednesday morning that none of our eggs had fertilized...NONE! I never ever expected to hear that, we are not going through this process because we have any actual issue with fertility, just the physical act of the egg getting where it needs to be. As I've said many times, all three times I was pregnant it was on the first try - we shouldn't have an issue here and I never thought we would in a million years. But, we did. In fact they discarded 1 egg that was immature and the doctor later told us that when they went in to look Wednesday morning not a single sperm had attached to any of the 13 eggs. Not one! He said usually there are hundreds all over all of the eggs and we had zero.
The Doctor said the sperm looked great, were fantastic quality and the eggs were all really strong too. He had no idea why this happened and said it is very rare even for people with fertility problems that none attach at all.
Well that was pretty devastating, I had always been extremely positive and never had worries everything would go well on our first try. I was more worried about it going TOO well and ending up octomom or something (OK, maybe not that worried).
The nurse told us they were going to go ahead with a procedure called "Second Day ICSI" where they will pick out the best looking sperm and actually inject them right into the eggs to kind of 'force' fertilization. Usually when ICSI is done, the couple is expecting to have an issue and it is done right away, waiting until the second day to do it seems pretty rare from what I've seen online and unfortunately pretty unsuccessful as well. Of course the doctor says that it doesn't decrease the odds at all, but I have a hard time believing him.
So I just had a day of feeling sorry for myself and Jer did his best to put a positive spin on it, but I also was feeling increasingly bad from the Ovarian Hyperstimulation and I kind of just gave up. I was honestly expecting them to call the next day and say that it didn't work.
Well they did call the next day, but they had better news. Of the 10 eggs they did the procedure on, 3 of them had developed into embryos. Because there were only 3 they wanted to implant them right away instead of waiting to see how many make it to the blastocyst (5-day) stage. They set our implant up for the next morning.
As I'm sure you have noticed, the numbers were not on our side, we went from 14 eggs, to 13, to 10, to 3 and by the time we got to the surgical center Friday morning there were 2 good embryos left to put in. So we put them both in! I had to drink 32 oz of water on the way over, which was hard even for me (I love water) so they let me pee and then I had to lay on the hospital bed for 30 minutes before we could leave.
After we got home I was on bed rest for 2 days so my Mother-in-law was there for Friday to watch Anna and Jer was Mr. Mom all weekend while I rested and hopefully created a good environment for the little babies to snuggle in and start growing.
We are now playing the waiting game once again, we won't know anything for 4 weeks. I have a blood test in 2 weeks that should be a good indication of if things are still developing or not and then at 4 weeks they will know with more certainty if the pregnancy is successful.
I have to say that I am not getting my hopes up. I mean I am still treating myself as if I am pregnant right now, but I am preparing myself for bad news. Everything I have seen online does not look great when they have to do second day or "rescue" ICSI, so good news will be really good, and hopefully bad news won't be quite so devastating.
I am still doing 2 shots a day, one that Jer has to administer right into my butt that hurts so bad every time. That is the Progesterone in Oil and that will last for at least a few weeks. The other is Lovenox, which stings, but I do it in my stomach, and I took it twice a day everyday when I was pregnant with Anna so I am used to it.
I will probably check back in with news at the 2 week blood draw, but if we happen to get good news at the 4 week mark I will probably procrastinate a bit on posting ;) Sorry but I am just very superstitious. So no news is good news and keep those prayers coming.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Time to Make the Babies
We got up early this morning after not getting much sleep (at least on my end) because I was pretty anxious about the procedure and being put under anesthesia and we traveled 45 minutes to a surgery center in Rochester Hills.
Once there there was a lot of waiting, at least that is how it seemed and finally we were brought back into the surgery prep area. I was hooked up to an IV and talked with the anesthesiologist and my doctor. My doctor reiterated that it was most likely too risky to move forward with the implementation this month but he would wait to see how things looked and make that final call tomorrow.
I gave Jer a kiss and went into the procedure room, I guess technically it is an OR. I sat on the bed, laid back and next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room. I woke up very sleepy of course, but I came out of it quite well. They gave me juice and crackers and Vicodin and I was all set! At this point I already felt a lot better, the thing that was giving me the most anxiety was being put out. I heard somewhere once that every time you are put out there is a chance you won't come back to. Who knows if that is true or not, probably not, but it still isn't something to be taken lightly.
A nurse came in and said everything went great and they were able to get 14 eggs. So those eggs will be fertilized and they are going to call me tomorrow to let me know how many of the 14 are moving to the next stage. They are also going to let me know if the transfer is going to happen this week or next month. If the transfer does have to wait, it will not involve all the injections and hormones that I have been through thus far so they keep telling me the "hard part" is over. Now it is a different kind of hard...waiting. We are waiting for all the check points to clear and then we are waiting to see if I get pregnant and then we are waiting to see if the pregnancy sticks.
Thanks so much for the prayers and support, I feel good about where we have gotten to thus far and I know we will be adding to our family shortly!!
Once there there was a lot of waiting, at least that is how it seemed and finally we were brought back into the surgery prep area. I was hooked up to an IV and talked with the anesthesiologist and my doctor. My doctor reiterated that it was most likely too risky to move forward with the implementation this month but he would wait to see how things looked and make that final call tomorrow.
I gave Jer a kiss and went into the procedure room, I guess technically it is an OR. I sat on the bed, laid back and next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room. I woke up very sleepy of course, but I came out of it quite well. They gave me juice and crackers and Vicodin and I was all set! At this point I already felt a lot better, the thing that was giving me the most anxiety was being put out. I heard somewhere once that every time you are put out there is a chance you won't come back to. Who knows if that is true or not, probably not, but it still isn't something to be taken lightly.
A nurse came in and said everything went great and they were able to get 14 eggs. So those eggs will be fertilized and they are going to call me tomorrow to let me know how many of the 14 are moving to the next stage. They are also going to let me know if the transfer is going to happen this week or next month. If the transfer does have to wait, it will not involve all the injections and hormones that I have been through thus far so they keep telling me the "hard part" is over. Now it is a different kind of hard...waiting. We are waiting for all the check points to clear and then we are waiting to see if I get pregnant and then we are waiting to see if the pregnancy sticks.
Thanks so much for the prayers and support, I feel good about where we have gotten to thus far and I know we will be adding to our family shortly!!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
The Trigger Shot
Bright and early this morning (yes, Sunday) I ran down to the IVF doctor for a check in. Jeremy was in Frankenmuth with Anna visiting his parents so I was by myself. The doctor performed an ultrasound to look at my follicles on my ovaries that I have been taking medications to stimulate and they looked great, there were tons of follicles that the doctor said were in great condition, he said that he would have no problems at all getting plenty of quality eggs.
He told me to stop taking the stimulation hormones and we were going to move in to Egg Retrieval mode. I was told to take my "trigger shot" that starts the egg production that night. The retrieval process is scheduled for Tuesday morning!
The egg retrieval procedure is the more intense of the 2 that I will go through, I will actually be put under anesthesia but the process itself is relatively short and easy. The doctor will go in and grab all the follicles that look good and hopefully have good eggs growing inside of them then they will be fertilized and the ones that make it past that stage will be allowed to start developing and if everything goes according to plan, next Sunday they will be put back inside of me.
Well, it turns out that "if" is a bigger one than we planned on. As I said in last post the stimulating hormones were actually working TOO good. So now I am at risk for something called "Ovarian Hyper-stimulation" and because getting pregnant actually will stimulate my ovaries even more there is a chance that actually doing the implantation in the same monthly cycle as taking the drugs will be too much.
The doctor is going to have to make that call on Tuesday and if he decides it is too risky they will freeze the embryos until next month and I will only have to do the easy part of the procedure then.
Obviously I want to do what is in the best interest of my health, but I really hope that we don't have to put anything off for a variety of reasons not the least of which is that my insurance resets in the new year. But we just have to wait and see how it goes and pray for the best outcome.
He told me to stop taking the stimulation hormones and we were going to move in to Egg Retrieval mode. I was told to take my "trigger shot" that starts the egg production that night. The retrieval process is scheduled for Tuesday morning!
The egg retrieval procedure is the more intense of the 2 that I will go through, I will actually be put under anesthesia but the process itself is relatively short and easy. The doctor will go in and grab all the follicles that look good and hopefully have good eggs growing inside of them then they will be fertilized and the ones that make it past that stage will be allowed to start developing and if everything goes according to plan, next Sunday they will be put back inside of me.
Well, it turns out that "if" is a bigger one than we planned on. As I said in last post the stimulating hormones were actually working TOO good. So now I am at risk for something called "Ovarian Hyper-stimulation" and because getting pregnant actually will stimulate my ovaries even more there is a chance that actually doing the implantation in the same monthly cycle as taking the drugs will be too much.
The doctor is going to have to make that call on Tuesday and if he decides it is too risky they will freeze the embryos until next month and I will only have to do the easy part of the procedure then.
Obviously I want to do what is in the best interest of my health, but I really hope that we don't have to put anything off for a variety of reasons not the least of which is that my insurance resets in the new year. But we just have to wait and see how it goes and pray for the best outcome.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Check Two: Going good....too good!
We had the second ultrasound to look at my ovaries on Wednesday and they looked great, they looked totally different than the week before, there were lots of obvious follicles growing all over both of them.
It was great to see, the doctor said they looked fantastic and in fact they might be growing a little TOO well, so he has lowered my Follistm dose.
So things are going great. I have a third ultrasound on Sunday and they will set a date for the upcoming week to do the egg retrieval then and about 5 days after that I will have baby on board! (!!!) So that is really close.
I have been feeling pretty good overall, my abdomen is really full feeling and sore, I can actually feel my ovaries which is pretty weird. They do hurt, but it is manageable. I am still doing 2 shots a day and it is going fine, I have been good about getting them in on time.
Fingers crossed for tomorrow morning!!
It was great to see, the doctor said they looked fantastic and in fact they might be growing a little TOO well, so he has lowered my Follistm dose.
So things are going great. I have a third ultrasound on Sunday and they will set a date for the upcoming week to do the egg retrieval then and about 5 days after that I will have baby on board! (!!!) So that is really close.
I have been feeling pretty good overall, my abdomen is really full feeling and sore, I can actually feel my ovaries which is pretty weird. They do hurt, but it is manageable. I am still doing 2 shots a day and it is going fine, I have been good about getting them in on time.
Fingers crossed for tomorrow morning!!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Bucket List
So we are about a week in with the daily (twice daily) shots and all is going well. We have another ultrasound this afternoon to see if the shots are working and the follicles are growing. Assuming they are I could realistically be pregnant in less than 2 weeks. (!)
Which brings me to my bucket list, I have a short list of things that I want to do before I am pregnant. Some of them are practical and others are just things that I remember missing last time I was pregnant or know I will miss for the next 10 months or longer.
Some things I need to take care are getting my hair colored, cleaning my oven, going to the dentist, going to the dermatologist. And other things that I want to get in as much as I can before they are off limits like the Italian sandwich at Potbelly LOL, I love it and they can't guarantee their meat gets cooked to a temperature safe to eat while pregnant so I'll avoid it, and coffee which will actually be absent from my life for quite a long time because I remember one or two times that I had coffee while breast feeding Anna and it made a really noticeable difference in her behavior so closer to 2 years before I will get another Iced Venti Non-Fat Extra Carmel Carmel Macchiato or large McD's 3 cream 3 Splenda.....yum.
And there are little things that don't seem like a big deal until you can't have them, like a glass of wine with dinner or a medium cooked steak or burger (I won't eat anything that isn't well done while pregs). So I am checking them off and getting ready to make some changes! All for the better though :)
Which brings me to my bucket list, I have a short list of things that I want to do before I am pregnant. Some of them are practical and others are just things that I remember missing last time I was pregnant or know I will miss for the next 10 months or longer.
Some things I need to take care are getting my hair colored, cleaning my oven, going to the dentist, going to the dermatologist. And other things that I want to get in as much as I can before they are off limits like the Italian sandwich at Potbelly LOL, I love it and they can't guarantee their meat gets cooked to a temperature safe to eat while pregnant so I'll avoid it, and coffee which will actually be absent from my life for quite a long time because I remember one or two times that I had coffee while breast feeding Anna and it made a really noticeable difference in her behavior so closer to 2 years before I will get another Iced Venti Non-Fat Extra Carmel Carmel Macchiato or large McD's 3 cream 3 Splenda.....yum.
And there are little things that don't seem like a big deal until you can't have them, like a glass of wine with dinner or a medium cooked steak or burger (I won't eat anything that isn't well done while pregs). So I am checking them off and getting ready to make some changes! All for the better though :)
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