Checking In

Just a quick post since it has been awhile, we are still waiting and don't have any definite news.  So far I have had 2 blood tests that the doctor was happy about the outcomes of, so at least we have made it further than last time if nothing else.



Something we found pretty interesting and dramatic.  Here is a picture of the embryos that were implanted this time:

The picture sits on our dresser now as a little inspiration for every morning when I need to get a needle jammed into my behind.  That is really getting old....anyway, on a whim I thought I would take a look at our picture from last time and see how they compared.  Here is what the embryos they implanted last time looked like:

Quite a difference! We were pretty amazed to see that and it helped give us a little more hope that things are just working out better this time around. 

Finally, here is a quote that I think I found on pinterest that has been helpful lately.  Waiting is the hardest part for sure....

We will be getting the news this week, so hopefully no news is good news as far as this blog is concerned.  I still would like to wait to make the big announcement (if indeed there is one to make) and I will hold out as long as I can or to 12 weeks, whatever comes first :) I have some other things to post about anyway so I will work on that and just have faith that it will all work out. 

Thanks again for all the supportive emails and FB messages - they mean a lot to me!!

Saturday!

So we found out on Tuesday that 16 of the 32 eggs were mature and 10 of those successfully fertilized.  I am sure by now that number has decreased, maybe not.  Either way the doctor is confident that we will make it to the 5 day transfer and our appointment is 8:15 am on Saturday morning!  So keep us in your thoughts then (if you're up LOL)

Of course this is a busy Saturday and now we have to miss graduation parties and another friends get together we were looking forward too but there never is a good time and obviously this is much more important.Being on bedrest for 2 days is going to be tough but luckily it is on the weekend so Jeremy can take care of Anna and I'm sure my mom will be by to help as well. 

I was feeling great and yesterday was Jeremy's birthday and we took Anna to swim class and then hung out in the pool for awhile before going out to dinner.  Today has been much different, I have been extraordinarily tired and Jeremy is not home today at all to help.  I have taken 3 naps (before Anna got up, while she was taking a nap and while she was watching Bubble Guppies - don't judge).  I also have a new pain and have been very uncomfortable  I looked through the materials and it turns out I should not have gone in the hot tub, in fact I probably shouldn't even have gone in the pool because I'm still recovering from surgery but it didn't even cross my mind.

I called the nurse and she said it really isn't that big of a deal, just to watch for signs of infection (fever and extreme pain) so I am all freaked out about that.  Always something! So far no fever and I have been on antibiotics since the retrieval so hopefully things will be fine. The other change is that my abdomen has actually swelled even more. I haven't gained weight so I am not worried about OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome) but I look about 6 months pregnant at this point and I just don't feel comfortable.  I will be glad when this is over because I am still confident we will get the outcome we want so much.  

Wheels in motion

Sorry for the big lag between posts!  I find myself doing everything on my phone these days and typing up a lengthy post is not the easiest on the touch screen! I guess I need to do more short posts.

Anyway, we are right back in the middle of things again!  I have been taking a shot every morning (Follistim) and one every evening (Menopur) for the past week.  I had my second ultrasound this morning and the doctor was very happy with the progress of my follicles.  I continue with these two shots and go in for a third ultrasound on Saturday and the doctor is expecting the egg retrieval to take place on Monday or Tuesday!

The only issue I have been having is with my mind! Specifically, my memory.  With these shots, it is very important that they are done at the same time everyday and the Follistim is stored in the refrigerator and the Menopur I keep in our bedroom.  The very first day I totally forgot to even start the shots until around noon, then 2 days later I totally forgot completely to take my evening shot. And then last night it happened again!  I had set an alarm to go off on my phone for both shots and it went off last night, a few minutes later I went into the bedroom and next thing I knew I was panicking because Anna had woken me up at 5 am and I realized I had never taken my shot!  It made me so anxious all morning because I was worried it would throw everything off by missing it and then I went to take the morning shot and realized I had never put it back in the fridge!  So I had to dump what was left out.  I have no idea what is going on!!

Plus there is a TON of stuff going on in our lives right now....Anniversary, Father's Day, Brother-In-Law, Mother-in-Law, and Jeremy's birthdays oh yeah and Anna's 3rd birthday and birthday party!  As much as I have tried to minimize everything and not stress, it is pretty impossible and I still have quite a to-do list. 

So this morning I guess it was pretty obvious that I was not in a great place, the doctor was worried that I had so much anxiety and the nurse told me that I looked nervous! LOL well I copped to it and the doctor actually prescribed me Xanax! Now I really am a "Real Housewife" haha It is just a few pills for the next week or so because I really want to be able to be relaxed during the procedure.  We will see.....right now, I'm off to take my shot!

Hope Floats

After several people have recently asked me about my blog, I realized I really need to get back into it!  Turns out it is just not as fun to write about things that aren't going as expected :) However, I started this for a reason and I will keep it up until I don't have a reason to discuss it anymore.  Especially because I heard through the grapevine someone who also has been going through IVF was not sure if they could bring it up to me or if I would want to talk about it!!  That is the WHOLE POINT of this blog!  Yes, discuss, don't feel bad!  I didn't do anything wrong to be put in this position!  Fertility issues NEED to be more accepted and no one should feel ashamed.  In case you missed it, here is how we got here.

So, back to present time - or recent anyway. Now I am sure unless you are a member of my immediate family you probably didn't notice that the time for us to be able to start trying again has come and gone.  Well there is a reason for that, after having a normal period after the failed IVF cycle and again at the beginning of February we met with the doctor and were going to go ahead and get started after my next period...but it never came.

Then the doctor office had to cover their bases so they ordered me to go get my blood drawn for a pregnancy test.  Well I kind of laughed it off because obviously I can't get pregnant on my own, the nurse said "you would be surprised" and haven't we all heard those stories of the woman who gets pregnant after going through IVF once or the woman who finds out she is pregnant right before she is scheduled to meet with a infertility specialist....it does happen.  I even know a few people in real life that it has happened to.  But I have slightly different issues than most infertile women - there is literally a road block that makes it physically impossible for me to get pregnant.....then again, that block is scar tissue, scar tissue does have the ability to change and even dissipate....there is a very tiny remote chance that it could be....

And there it was - HOPE.  As much as I tried to tell myself it was stupid to even entertain the idea that I could be pregnant, I couldn't help but think about it.  I mean it could be....but no, that is stupid....but, you never know...yes, I do know, it can't be...and on and on.  I even took a pee test that was negative and I still could not stop myself from having thoughts of a potential positive blood test result.  As much as I tried to suppress it, that hope kept creeping back in.

It wasn't only me either.  When talking to my mom one day a few weeks ago she asked "did you hear back about your test" I only said "yes" and was a little distracted.  When I finally turned to look at her she said "Well??" and I could see it there glistening in her eyes - hope.

Unfortunately and as expected the test was indeed negative. So the doctor said to wait another month to see if I get my period.  I didn't. I finally went in for an ultrasound and the doctor said it is just related to PCOS but everything looks fine and we can get started again as soon as I wanted.  I had my first Lupron shot in mid-April and I will have another on May 16 and then the daily injections begin again.

I think what I realized is that it is not only OK to have hope but I think I really need it.  I went through the last round of IVF knowing in the back of my mind that it would work, but never letting myself feel fully committed to the idea so I wouldn't be as disappointed if it didn't.  That is something that I am really having a hard time with, I have to keep telling myself to think and act like I am going to get pregnant, there is a lot to be said for a positive outlook as it relates to your health.  I am going to let the hope float on up this time :) I saw this on my cousins FB and it reminded me how much I love that movie.  I think it is time to break out the DVD (of course it doesn't hurt to watch Harry for a few hours either now does it?!)

Starting Over

It is a new year and a new start for our efforts to expand our family.  Jeremy and I decided relatively quickly after the first failure that it was worth it to try the IVF process again. We really didn't dwell on the negative for very long, that is just how we are I guess.

We decided to wait until after Anna and my little Florida vacation to get back to the doctor office so just over a month after finding out the results from our first round we were back with the doctor to reevaluate the situation.

The doctor was very straightforward and matter of fact about the situation, which I guess you want from a medical professional.  He also was very compassionate and I felt he was truly disappointed and almost apologetic that the procedure did not work.

He went through my chart and reviewed every step of the procedure with us.  Basically it came down to fate...or bad luck....or God's will (more on that in a future post) because everything had gone according to plan and looked great up until the fertilization.

He again said that the sperm quality was great, my egg retrieval went well and my 13 mature eggs were all very strong. There just is no reason it didn't work.  There is no good reason we didn't achieve fertilization on our own.  I think that is a little bit worse than actually having an explanation.  Not knowing why is hard.  The doctor did say that several of my eggs, not all, but several had thickened walls.  This is something that is common with women who have PCOS and for this reason women with PCOS are almost always set to do ICSI right away (where they literally inject the sperm into the egg).  Of course I was one of the exceptions seeing as how I had gotten pregnant on my first try three different times already, obviously we did not have an issue with the sperm not penetrating the wall of the egg.  And really, that wasn't the issue here either because this time the sperm did not even try to get through the wall no matter what the thickness.

However, knowing that now we will go ahead an plan to do ICSI right from the start with our next cycle.  Doing the ICSI process right away yields much better results than waiting a day to see what happens naturally and then doing it on rapidly deteriorating eggs.

Our doctor said the odds of success are the same with the second round of IVF as they are with the first, it is starting with the third that they progressively get worse. He said there is no reason not to think we still have a great chance of the process working for us if we try again.  There are no indications that it shouldn't have worked before or that it won't work in the future.

So we have to wait at least 8 weeks for my body to recover (it has been about 7 already) and the Doctor wants me to do 2 rounds of the Depot Lupron shots which will take at least 2 months and then we can start the process again, probably around May.

I just wanted to take the chance to update everyone who has been following.  Again we are so thankful and grateful for your thoughts and prayers and thank you to everyone who checks in with me to see how it is going and how we are doing, we really appreciate it.  Today marks 1 year since the day I woke up with the excruciating pain that eventually lead to surgery, scar tissue and IVF becoming part of our story.  It has been quite a year for sure with a lot of ups and downs, but I am thankful for what I have and trusting that everything will work out as it is meant to be.  That reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

"Everything will be OK in the end, if it isn't OK, it isn't the end"

Closing out 2011...

...and closing out this chapter of our journey.  Unfortunately we found out last week that I am not pregnant. 

Luckily I was pretty distracted by Christmas and all the activity so I didn't give it much thought, but Monday afternoon I realized it had probably been long enough to where I could pee on a stick and get an accurate result, so I did that night and it was negative.  I guess I kind of expected it, I never really felt pregnant like I had the last 2 times.  Still, they say you get the more accurate results when you take the test first thing in the morning, so I did it again the next day and it was negative again.  I figured that sealed it and I immediately stopped all the shots and hormones I was taking.  That afternoon I was scheduled for the 2 week blood test anyway so I took that.

Wednesday morning the doctor called and it was settled.  Of course I was/am very disappointed.  Just thinking about everything we had gone through....the huge expense, the painful shots and medications, the effects it had taken on me physically and mentally, the increased risk of cancer I now allegedly have from the hormones....all of that for nothing.  That is really hard to take.  All of that is more than worth it when a baby is the end result, but for nothing?

And then of course I have the whole feeling that we were never even supposed to be in this situation, and when we were, we were never supposed to have any problems.  Well, we had problems and I suppose we are exactly where we are meant to be right now.  Our family will expand in due time, this just isn't it. 

I am so grateful to have such a wonderful husband to go through this with, he has always been extremely positive and supportive.  I am also very thankful for the support of our family and friends.  I feel a little guilty for not posting this before I saw a bunch of family members who I know have been following our story, but I guess I am just not the "talk about it" type.  I don't think that really helps me.  Most of all I am so very blessed to have the most beautiful, funny and smartest little girl I have ever met in my life.  It really is hard to dwell on the negative when Anna is around to cheer you up. 

And then something unimaginable happened this week to a close friend of mine and it really put things in perspective.  Yes what we just went through was terrible, but it could be so much worse. And I hate that my friend is having to do something I wouldn't wish on anyone - but if she can get through this, surely I will be just fine.

And actually the more that we talked about it and thought about it, almost everyone we know who has gone through IVF did not have success on their first try.  Strange, and I have no idea why that is, but it is true.  The vast majority (not that we even know a "vast" number of people who have done IVF lol, but all except 1 couple that I can think of) were successful on their second try.

We have to make an appointment with the Doctor now to talk about what happened, even though I am sure they will not have any concrete answers, and to talk about next steps.  I have a feeling we will be back in the IVF train in the not too distant future, but we are taking a little break now.  Anna and I are going to have some relaxation in Florida, and having the house to himself is enough of a break for Jer :)

I'll keep updating this blog as anything comes up and let you know what the doctor does have to say about what went wrong.  Thank you again for all of the interest, support, thoughts and prayers.  After 2 lost pregnancies in 2011 we are looking forward to changing that in the new year!

Now I know why no one talks about it

Well, the past week has been a big rollercoaster, I see now why people just don't talk about all of this infertility stuff.  I mean I really wanted to be open and honest, but when you are on the low end of emotions you really don't want to talk to anyone, at least I didn't...much less have to broadcast bad news, but here it goes.

So on Tuesday they were able to retrieve 14 eggs and they set them overnight to fertilize, we found out later that they actually put 50,000 sperm with each egg when in the human body the ratio is more like 1,000:1!  But despite those more than "ideal" conditions we found out Wednesday morning that none of our eggs had fertilized...NONE!  I never ever expected to hear that, we are not going through this process because we have any actual issue with fertility, just the physical act of the egg getting where it needs to be.  As I've said many times, all three times I was pregnant it was on the first try - we shouldn't have an issue here and I never thought we would in a million years.  But, we did.  In fact they discarded 1 egg that was immature and the doctor later told us that when they went in to look Wednesday morning not a single sperm had attached to any of the 13 eggs.  Not one!  He said usually there are hundreds all over all of the eggs and we had zero.

The Doctor said the sperm looked great, were fantastic quality and the eggs were all really strong too.  He had no idea why this happened and said it is very rare even for people with fertility problems that none attach at all.

Well that was pretty devastating, I had always been extremely positive and never had worries everything would go well on our first try.  I was more worried about it going TOO well and ending up octomom or something (OK, maybe not that worried).

The nurse told us they were going to go ahead with a procedure called "Second Day ICSI" where they will pick out the best looking sperm and actually inject them right into the eggs to kind of 'force' fertilization.  Usually when ICSI is done, the couple is expecting to have an issue and it is done right away, waiting until the second day to do it seems pretty rare from what I've seen online and unfortunately pretty unsuccessful as well.  Of course the doctor says that it doesn't decrease the odds at all, but I have a hard time believing him.

So I just had a day of feeling sorry for myself and Jer did his best to put a positive spin on it, but I also was feeling increasingly bad from the Ovarian Hyperstimulation and I kind of just gave up.  I was honestly expecting them to call the next day and say that it didn't work.

Well they did call the next day, but they had better news.  Of the 10 eggs they did the procedure on, 3 of them had developed into embryos.  Because there were only 3 they wanted to implant them right away instead of waiting to see how many make it to the blastocyst (5-day) stage.  They set our implant up for the next morning.

As I'm sure you have noticed, the numbers were not on our side, we went from 14 eggs, to 13, to 10, to 3 and by the time we got to the surgical center Friday morning there were 2 good embryos left to put in.  So we put them both in!  I had to drink 32 oz of water on the way over, which was hard even for me (I love water) so they let me pee and then I had to lay on the hospital bed for 30 minutes before we could leave.

After we got home I was on bed rest for 2 days so my Mother-in-law was there for Friday to watch Anna and Jer was Mr. Mom all weekend while I rested and hopefully created a good environment for the little babies to snuggle in and start growing.

We are now playing the waiting game once again, we won't know anything for 4 weeks.  I have a blood test in 2 weeks that should be a good indication of if things are still developing or not and then at 4 weeks they will know with more certainty if the pregnancy is successful. 

I have to say that I am not getting my hopes up.  I mean I am still treating myself as if I am pregnant right now, but I am preparing myself for bad news.  Everything I have seen online does not look great when they have to do second day or "rescue" ICSI, so good news will be really good, and hopefully bad news won't be quite so devastating.

I am still doing 2 shots a day, one that Jer has to administer right into my butt that hurts so bad every time.  That is the Progesterone in Oil and that will last for at least a few weeks.  The other is Lovenox, which stings, but I do it in my stomach, and I took it twice a day everyday when I was pregnant with Anna so I am used to it.

I will probably check back in with news at the 2 week blood draw, but if we happen to get good news at the 4 week mark I will probably procrastinate a bit on posting ;)  Sorry but I am just very superstitious.  So no news is good news and keep those prayers coming.

Time to Make the Babies

We got up early this morning after not getting much sleep (at least on my end) because I was pretty anxious about the procedure and being put under anesthesia and we traveled 45 minutes to a surgery center in Rochester Hills.

Once there there was a lot of waiting, at least that is how it seemed and finally we were brought back into the surgery prep area.  I was hooked up to an IV and talked with the anesthesiologist and my doctor.  My doctor reiterated that it was most likely too risky to move forward with the implementation this month but he would wait to see how things looked and make that final call tomorrow.

I gave Jer a kiss and went into the procedure room, I guess technically it is an OR.  I sat on the bed, laid back and next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room.  I woke up very sleepy of course, but I came out of it quite well. They gave me juice and crackers and Vicodin and I was all set!  At this point I already felt a lot better, the thing that was giving me the most anxiety was being put out.  I heard somewhere once that every time you are put out there is a chance you won't come back to.  Who knows if that is true or not, probably not, but it still isn't something to be taken lightly.

A nurse came in and said everything went great and they were able to get 14 eggs.  So those eggs will be fertilized and they are going to call me tomorrow to let me know how many of the 14 are moving to the next stage.  They are also going to let me know if the transfer is going to happen this week or next month. If the transfer does have to wait, it will not involve all the injections and hormones that I have been through thus far so they keep telling me the "hard part" is over.  Now it is a different kind of hard...waiting.  We are waiting for all the check points to clear and then we are waiting to see if I get pregnant and then we are waiting to see if the pregnancy sticks.

Thanks so much for the prayers and support, I feel good about where we have gotten to thus far and I know we will be adding to our family shortly!!

The Trigger Shot

Bright and early this morning (yes, Sunday) I ran down to the IVF doctor for a check in.  Jeremy was in Frankenmuth with Anna visiting his parents so I was by myself.  The doctor performed an ultrasound to look at my follicles on my ovaries that I have been taking medications to stimulate and they looked great, there were tons of follicles that the doctor said were in great condition, he said that he would have no problems at all getting plenty of quality eggs.

He told me to stop taking the stimulation hormones and we were going to move in to Egg Retrieval mode.  I was told to take my "trigger shot" that starts the egg production that night.  The retrieval process is scheduled for Tuesday morning!

The egg retrieval procedure is the more intense of the 2 that I will go through, I will actually be put under anesthesia but the process itself is relatively short and easy.  The doctor will go in and grab all the follicles that look good and hopefully have good eggs growing inside of them then they will be fertilized and the ones that make it past that stage will be allowed to start developing and if everything goes according to plan, next Sunday they will be put back inside of me.

Well, it turns out that "if" is a bigger one than we planned on.  As I said in last post the stimulating hormones were actually working TOO good. So now I am at risk for something called "Ovarian Hyper-stimulation" and because getting pregnant actually will stimulate my ovaries even more there is a chance that actually doing the implantation in the same monthly cycle as taking the drugs will be too much.

The doctor is going to have to make that call on Tuesday and if he decides it is too risky they will freeze the embryos until next month and I will only have to do the easy part of the procedure then.

Obviously I want to do what is in the best interest of my health, but I really hope that we don't have to put anything off for a variety of reasons not the least of which is that my insurance resets in the new year.  But we just have to wait and see how it goes and pray for the best outcome.

Check One

Well, we had our first check point today at the doctor office and it was passed without any concern!  All of my follicles appeared to be similar in size and all very small which is exactly what we wanted.

So now I will be taking 2 shots a day, and they are both shots that I will be able to administer to myself which I am used to - or at least I was and I'm sure it will all come back to me :) Neither of them look too scary, it is just a process.  My evening shot requires mixing powder with liquid and switching needles on the syringe, I will feel like a nurse for the next 10 days LOL  Maybe I'll take a picture, but I have a feeling no one really wants to see me poking myself with a needle.

The biggest challenge for me will be that I have to take the shots at specific times everyday - I am very forgetful about that kind of stuff and now that I don't have a job that requires it, I don't always have my phone on me so setting an alarm on there won't work.  Although, I am getting a new phone tomorrow...Jer got me an iPhone for an early Christmas gift, and I will probably being playing with that a lot getting used to it.  I have also set several alarm clocks in our house and I have Jer to help me out with remembering.

Another big milestone reached today - I am (finally) officially approved by our insurance for infertility coverage.  There was quite a long process I have been going through for several months to prove to Aetna that I indeed need assistance conceiving.  I guess they finally have enough evidence and I also got confirmation that the coverage does "re-set" on January 1st, so if the procedure does not work, we will not have to wait very long to try again.  And I guess it is 'good' that due to the ectopic in February and the resulting surgery our deductible is already met for this year so our out of pocket is really the lowest it could be (which is not saying much!!).

So next step is another check in with the doctor in a week.  This time we will be looking to see if the follicles are all growing together and at the rate that the doctor wants.  Thanks again for all the thoughts and prayers, you have no idea how much it helps.

Box full of needles...

...that is what just arrived at my front door!  All (OK most) of my medications for the remainder of the procedure have come.  They are almost all injectable.  This should be loads of fun.

Here they all are:

 And that doesn't even include the progesterone which has a short shelf life and I will order in a few weeks, or the shots I'll have to take twice a day throughout the entire pregnancy (and for 6 weeks after) 

But, this does also mean we are about to hit the next check point in the process.  We have an appointment tomorrow with the Dr to have an ultrasound that will see if the Lupron did it's job and all of my follicles are at the same starting point.  If not, I will need to have an additional Lupron injection and we will try again, not sure if this will put the procedure into 2012 or not, but I am not worried about that yet.  Let's just hope that we are moving along as scheduled!

Meet the doctor

So we had our long awaited first meeting with the IVF specialist and it exceeded my expectations very much, and we went into with expecting it to be great.  The office, while quite a drive for us in Ypsilanti, was nice and we were the only ones there (at least it sure seemed that way if we weren't) and when we arrived, they were expecting us and presented us with a packet of information that included a hand written and detailed list of all the financial questions that they knew would come up - they had already called my insurance company and gotten the answers as to how much (or little) coverage we could count on.

I have had more than my fair share of medical ailments over my life and have seen a wide variety of doctors, I have never had a doctor proactively go after my insurance company, then again I have never faced such an expensive procedure.  Actually, I take that back, giving birth was quite a bit more expensive, and while my OB/GYN office helped with my insurance it was nothing like this.  Anyway, the point is, I took it as a good sign.  And honestly it turned out to be good news - our insurance should cover more than we thought they would (which was really nothing) and the initial cost looks like it will not be as high as I was thinking.

And outside of all that, we did like the doctor, he immediately made me feel comfortable with his knowledge of PCOS and all it's side effects - he just reinforced that basically IVF is our only option now and that is actually a big part of the process we can skip, the trying to figure out what the problem is, and the trying less invasive methods before resulting in IVF - we can just go straight to the end.

So everything is good with the doctor and we feel comfortable with the practice.  We got some basic information and the next step is a more intense info session with a nurse sometime in the next month.  Forward progress....